Chapter 666
"And Energor spake, and he did command that those who huff fermented turd-gas shall achieve enlightenment. And only through huffing fermented turd-gas shall it even be possible to achieve enlightenment. As he looked upon his creation, he saw the nation of Japan, and in his disgust, said "You're doing it wrong. Turds are not for eating, but for collecting the gas that emanates from within." And with a wave of his magic staff, he bestowed a terrible economy and falling birth-rates upon the nation of Japan."
Amen.
Doctor, these Zambian children running through the Prescott wilderness is exciting news. I think that there should be an attempt to meet them - understand them - and soon, mate with their women to create an incredible new hybrid race of American-Zambians that can infuse the passion that they bring to their craft of riding atop the brown dragon, and add an American's ruthless business sense to the mix - we'll be millionaires. Or at least, really fucking high.
Urrrbody get fucked
Casey Fucking Ryback
I am proud to say that I just gave birth to my own brown toilet snake! Pounded coffee the entire way to drop the Mrs. off at work, stopped by the shop just to take a shit. This was especially amazing as I had read just this morning about C"rot"ch's toilet snake. Mine was about a 9 incher, coiling tightly as it slithered down the drain. Thought about leaving it in the toilet for my boss to discover when he comes in for his monday morning meeting.
ReplyDeleteSwamp Doctor
I have finally made it back to the house, which I have come to think of as merely a case for my toilet, and have time to comment properly on the day's activities and the activity on the intertubes.
ReplyDeleteI'll start with this afternoon's surprise sprint to the top of the mountain to return a brown toilet snake to the wild. I couldn't believe it. I had the nine incher this morning and a good six hours later had a foot long. No joke this beautiful brown bastard was at least 12 inches, maybe 13. I am generally a morning action kind of guy. The occasional afternoon bomb will happen of course, but never anything of this magnitude. I peeled my cheeks off of the seat of Mt Kohler to behold a magnificent sight. There glistening in the light, radiating with glory, sat a nut brown masterpiece of shitting. It wasn't especially large in diameter, although it wasn't especially skinny either. Had I taken it out of the bowl, coiled it as if it were ready to strike, and posed it by the door of the shop, the next person to walk in would probably shit themselves in fear. That it how amazing this turd was. I will be cellaring it of course, just waiting till that mildly funky first piss of the morning to put the balloon on. The best turds deserve the best piss of the day to ferment with. Yet another example of a what a jenkem master can do compared to a newbie. Your typical street child would have immediately put the balloon on with whatever piss came with the turd. A master of crafting a robust, well rounded jenkem knows the difference the perfect amount of the perfect piss can make. I am experimenting a little with different balloon sizes too. I am hoping to find a combination that balances quantity with flavor, forever seeking that perfect hit.
A great reading from the Gospel of Energor, and so true to. If you were meant to eat turds it would be much easier to shit in one's own mouth hole. Those depraved turd eating japanese businessmen, with their briefcases full of used panties and semen stained everything, have truly brought the wrath of Energor upon their country. Amen. No offense to any Japanese businessmen that may stumble upon this, but seriously, you guys are pretty gross. With the throwing up in each others mouths and all.
Lastly it is with great excitement that I will be able to ride the bike to work very soon. I will immediately seek to make further contact with the Zambians, and possibly mate with their women. I'll at least huff their fermented shit anyway.
Crocodile Doctor.
Two completely solid turds in one day mother fucker!!!
I was seated atop the mountain at the shop today when energor appeared to me in a vision, revealing to me a new foul mouthed inhalant the likes of which I would never have dreamed possible. You start with your basic jenkem ingredients, poop and pee. You then add a all other bodily fluids: semen, saliva, snot, and of course blood. The rest is the same, balloon it and let it ferment. Energor did not reveal the effects this elixir would have, only the faithful will know from experience. I am thinking it should be called The Land of the Rising Sun, or maybe Business Tsunami, something to honor the culture of the Japanese businessmen that it is clearly based upon. Suggestions are certainly welcome. Naming something this special is an important job.
ReplyDeleteGTMFMV
Doctor
Greetings jerks. I hit the balloon really hard today. While I was marinating in the bath tub earlier new lyrics for teh Beartles "I am the Walrus" popped into my head. I recommend putting the song on while you read my improvements to really get a feel for how the words fit.
ReplyDeleteI am the Cheeseburger Walrus
I poop and pee and you are me
and we pee all together
See how they run like turds from a bum
See how turds fly
I'm high
Shitting out a cornflake, waiting for a splash to come
outhouse guppy, pooped bloody tuesday
man you been a naughty boy, you let your taint grow long
air smells like eggs man, farty methane eggs man
I'm a cheeseburger walrus, poo poo p'poo
Misty shitty bottles sitting
shitty little bottles in a row
see how turds fly, like Energor in the sky, see how turds fly
I'm high, I'm high
I'm high, I'm high
Yellow balloon busted, jenkem dripping burning eyes
Energor times past, euphoric sniff this
Boy you been a naughty girl, you let your diaper down
air is still eggy man, really fucking eggy man
Cheeseburger walrus, poo poo p'poo p'poo poo p'poo
Jenkem expert choking jokers
Don't you think the huffer laughs at you
Shit breath smile like turds in a pile
see how turds fly
I'm high
Big Chief Chisunka, climbing up a jenkem tower
Elementary Children huffing turd gasses
Man you should have seen them shitting on the art show floor
Fucking acrid eggs man, methane burning eggs man
I'm a cheeseburger walrus, poo poo p'poo p'poo poo poo
poopa poopa poopa poo poo p'poo
Fuck
Doctor
I just shit myself but all is not lost, I scooped it up and bottled a brew.
ReplyDelete