Tis the season to be jolly
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Jenkem Industries PLC Inks Endorsement Deal
Our Zambian cousins recently signed a washed up athlete to a lucrative endorsement contract. Seems this lad didn't mind doping in his day and will now be an official tester for Jenkem Industries PLC. His first assignment was at Council Bluff where he was responsible for stuffing his head down the hole of this fine facility and taking a few big huffs to test the quality of our staff's product.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Riding The J Train
One of the great things in life is experiencing something new and getting to share it with the world. Well today was one of those days and it is too incredible an experience to keep to myself.
It was a long day at the office and despite dropping a deuce with the morning coffee at the house, on the way home the old dark stark started puckering as it tried to keep that turtle in it's shell. Hopping onto a near empty subway it looked to be smooth sailing and hopefully on the quick end of the normal 45 minute commute. Well right before the doors shut on trundled two women, one with a wheelchair bound teen and the other with a 3-4 yr old at her hip and the toddler passed out cold in the stroller.
It didn't take long to realize why the yoot was in such a comatose state. Slowly rising from the depths of a very full diaper the fine bouquet of youngster jenkem began to fill the subway car and there was no way out. I could only imagine the buzz that kid had going, just thing how quick it must ferment when you shit in your diapers then piss and it all bakes in a diaper designed to prevent leaking with a brewing temp of 98.6 degrees F.
I was able to make my way forward in the car despite the whole world spinning and every passenger looking like the image of my long departed mother. It was rather amusing to watch at each stop as rider fled like lemmings off a sinking ship and a new mob moved in and it was usually within 45 seconds that you could see the noses crinkle and the eyes rolling up into their heads. Suddenly everyone on the subway realized the 4 train had truly become the J Train.
It was a long day at the office and despite dropping a deuce with the morning coffee at the house, on the way home the old dark stark started puckering as it tried to keep that turtle in it's shell. Hopping onto a near empty subway it looked to be smooth sailing and hopefully on the quick end of the normal 45 minute commute. Well right before the doors shut on trundled two women, one with a wheelchair bound teen and the other with a 3-4 yr old at her hip and the toddler passed out cold in the stroller.
I was able to make my way forward in the car despite the whole world spinning and every passenger looking like the image of my long departed mother. It was rather amusing to watch at each stop as rider fled like lemmings off a sinking ship and a new mob moved in and it was usually within 45 seconds that you could see the noses crinkle and the eyes rolling up into their heads. Suddenly everyone on the subway realized the 4 train had truly become the J Train.
Monday, September 30, 2013
El Jenkem - Demasiado es Demasiado
Buenos dias fellow huffers, I hope that my absence has not created a void so massive in your life that you pondered stuffing your head in the bowl right after a big dump and repeatedly flushing until all of the shampoo has been washed out of your hair. The lack of entertainment from my finger tips is not due to laziness or demasiado huffing, a fate that has begun to rule our good Doctors life, in fact the lack of communication has been for your own good.
As we rolled into September I set out on a jenkemquest to the lands of our NAFTA neighbor, Mexico, where I continued my research laid out in Thoughts From The Balloon. What I learned is that the country famous for tequila, Corona, Montezuma's Revenge and the Donkey show
is not an ideal location to source ideal commercial grade jenkem brewing vessels but when it comes to hand blown glass containers there is no place like home (or in this case casa). The quality of the hand blown vessels lies in the size and thickness of the glass which allows for higher pressure associated with prolonged fermentation in extremely hot, humid conditions. Just think of the volumes you could produce with one of these babies.
But for now enough on the subject of fermentation vessels, we will come back to these in future ramblings when we ponder the question - can you produce jenkem in a water bottle mounted to your frame. Now on to the next chapter of Jenkem world, the proper food groups required for optimal huffing. The sole purpose of the Mexico extravaganza was to produce variations, based on diet, of the anal spray associated with Montezuma's Revenge and produce I did.
Immediately upon arrival, in a show of total commitment to our cause, I went to the seediest local roadside tacaria and ordered up the local fair along with a margarita on the rocks (and I can confirm those nasty rumors about the water is true, even in it's frozen state). Having downed the mix of dog meat, rotten lettuce, moldy cheese and sour cream that had been in the sun for most of the day I popped over to the local market and grabbed a handful of habanero peppers and stuffed those babies down my pie hole. Suddenly in the middle of the night there was a massive rumble, the kind that would leave a resident of San Francisco scurrying for the nearest desk to hide under but this rumble was one of sheer intestinal fortitude. And let me tell you it's a good thing those hand blown jars are strong and have wide mouths because when my taint let go it was like watching a seltzer bottle being filled - fast, furious and messy.
Having gotten off the subject just a bit what was learned South of the border is that a)lettuce (especially shredded) creates massive amounts of surface area thus increasing the gas that serves as a catalyst for jenkem, b) habaneros make for a sharp/spicy bouquet that will singe the hairs of your nose (should you be one that likes to snort jenkem and c) the bacteria in the local water guarantees an extra soft/watery stool that when combined with the contents of your bladder (that means Corona) makes for an extraordinary almost ready to huff out of your ass jenkem. To sum it up, if you want a cheap, fast high head south young man.
Next we plan on heading to France, home to some of the greatest cheeses of the world where we intend to consume so much cheese that it will be like shitting an adobe brick when one of those asshole ripping craps finally does occur. Rumor has it that the French are also experimenting with cold fermentation process deep in the caves that once housed the famous champagnes of the region.
As we rolled into September I set out on a jenkemquest to the lands of our NAFTA neighbor, Mexico, where I continued my research laid out in Thoughts From The Balloon. What I learned is that the country famous for tequila, Corona, Montezuma's Revenge and the Donkey show
Immediately upon arrival, in a show of total commitment to our cause, I went to the seediest local roadside tacaria and ordered up the local fair along with a margarita on the rocks (and I can confirm those nasty rumors about the water is true, even in it's frozen state). Having downed the mix of dog meat, rotten lettuce, moldy cheese and sour cream that had been in the sun for most of the day I popped over to the local market and grabbed a handful of habanero peppers and stuffed those babies down my pie hole. Suddenly in the middle of the night there was a massive rumble, the kind that would leave a resident of San Francisco scurrying for the nearest desk to hide under but this rumble was one of sheer intestinal fortitude. And let me tell you it's a good thing those hand blown jars are strong and have wide mouths because when my taint let go it was like watching a seltzer bottle being filled - fast, furious and messy.
Having gotten off the subject just a bit what was learned South of the border is that a)lettuce (especially shredded) creates massive amounts of surface area thus increasing the gas that serves as a catalyst for jenkem, b) habaneros make for a sharp/spicy bouquet that will singe the hairs of your nose (should you be one that likes to snort jenkem and c) the bacteria in the local water guarantees an extra soft/watery stool that when combined with the contents of your bladder (that means Corona) makes for an extraordinary almost ready to huff out of your ass jenkem. To sum it up, if you want a cheap, fast high head south young man.
Next we plan on heading to France, home to some of the greatest cheeses of the world where we intend to consume so much cheese that it will be like shitting an adobe brick when one of those asshole ripping craps finally does occur. Rumor has it that the French are also experimenting with cold fermentation process deep in the caves that once housed the famous champagnes of the region.
Friday, September 6, 2013
IT's all about the jenkem
Greetings Jenkem World. Something amazing has come to my attention. Mrs Doctor and I were watching the movie IT, from a novel written by Stephen King. As we watched it dawned on me that the entire movie is about jenkem. I have seen this movie before, but it was a long time ago and I didn't make the connection. It all seems pretty obvious to me now. In the story the children in a small town have to battle some sort of demon that is killing other kids in town. This demon lives in the sewer mostly, but is embodied by Pennywise the clown, who haunts the children with hallucinations, almost always involving nice tight balloons. The kids climb into the sewer to battle the demon, apparently winning, until it returns in their adult years and they have to return to the sewer to battle it again. This movie is clearly about jenkem. This raises many questions. Was Stephen King under the influence of the brown dragon when he wrote the book? Did he get high on his own supply, or was he employing the grab and stuff method at the local sewer? Was he huffing jenkem with children?
These photos clearly prove my theory as does the expression on John Ritter's face. It makes me wonder if there is a dark side to the brown dragon that we have been protected from by our Lord Energor. Are we Jenkem Shamans, fighting spiritual battles as many tribal shamans do under the influence of psychedelics? I am going to go hit a very special balloon and find out. The jenkem I will be huffing was fermented in the ships decanter with turds formed from a steady diet of cheap hot dogs and miller high life. Hopefully I will win the spiritual battle with the forces of evil.
Dr Jenkem Shaman
These photos clearly prove my theory as does the expression on John Ritter's face. It makes me wonder if there is a dark side to the brown dragon that we have been protected from by our Lord Energor. Are we Jenkem Shamans, fighting spiritual battles as many tribal shamans do under the influence of psychedelics? I am going to go hit a very special balloon and find out. The jenkem I will be huffing was fermented in the ships decanter with turds formed from a steady diet of cheap hot dogs and miller high life. Hopefully I will win the spiritual battle with the forces of evil.
Dr Jenkem Shaman
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Holy shit!!!!
Doctor
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Good morning lung butter aficionados! I have just rappelled down from the Energor step, completing two days in a row of the rare pre-coffee adventures very near the summit of Mt Kohler. Today is an exciting day as I should be able to do a little riding for only the second time since my crash. As you may know, I went for a little ride friday, but since then it has been raining all day everyday. The main reason for my excitement is that I will be able to continue trying to make contact with the Zambians in the woods by my house. I know they are still out there, and I intend to infiltrate their tribe, mate with their women, and find out more about their jenkem smuggling operation. I will also attempt to educate them on the finer points of jenkem brewing.
In the wake of my crash and the torrential rain we have had, I have had way to much time on my hands. I was inspired by the story of a man left for dead in the Death Zone on Everest to write about the death zone on Mt Kohler. During my research I discovered this article about celebrities who have perished in the Death Zone on Mt Kohler :Died atop Mt Kohler. I was compelled to leave a comment in the hopes of eventually hijacking this website, until the proprietor left a comment of his own. I have now shifted my focus to getting him to start commenting here. In a way, my new mission makes me like the Jenkem Jesus, slowly converting souls to the dark side.
Lately, I have been having some pretty terrible nightmares. Mostly consisting of images like this:
and, of course, this:
Hopefully it doesn't mean anything, but it sure looks like they are intent on fisting somebody. Hopefully this is not what happened to our friend Mr. Kleinman. It has been sometime since we have heard from him and I am beginning to fear the worst.
To leave your mind on an easy note, a song. This one adapted from Peter Rowan's Free Mexican Airforce.
In the Lusakan Mountains Zambians are pooping in fields
Where Lord Energor rides a horse that can still out run the wheel
High in the sky above, and clear out of sight
It's the free Zambian airforce flying tonight
Way up in Lusaka Chief Chisunka is cooling his heels
Remembering Energor gave us turds and balloons in the fields
But a criminal law that makes outlaws of those seeking light
Make the Free Zambian Airforce
Energor riding his white horse
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight
Flying so high aye aye ya ya ya heeee ha ha
How strange an innocent turd causes my lungs to burn
It sat in a bottle till the balloon top was nice and firm
Nothing can stop us, my vision is clearly in sight
And the free Zambian airforce is flying tonight
While we're huffing balloons federales are loading their guns
blowing smoke from their six shooters spilling our bottles for fun
jenkem gas bastards banditos of light
Make the free Zambian Airforce
Energor riding his white horse
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight
flying so high aye aye huh ack hack ack
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight!
Fuck you and may Energor bring you the peace that passes understanding,
Doctor
In the wake of my crash and the torrential rain we have had, I have had way to much time on my hands. I was inspired by the story of a man left for dead in the Death Zone on Everest to write about the death zone on Mt Kohler. During my research I discovered this article about celebrities who have perished in the Death Zone on Mt Kohler :Died atop Mt Kohler. I was compelled to leave a comment in the hopes of eventually hijacking this website, until the proprietor left a comment of his own. I have now shifted my focus to getting him to start commenting here. In a way, my new mission makes me like the Jenkem Jesus, slowly converting souls to the dark side.
Lately, I have been having some pretty terrible nightmares. Mostly consisting of images like this:
To leave your mind on an easy note, a song. This one adapted from Peter Rowan's Free Mexican Airforce.
In the Lusakan Mountains Zambians are pooping in fields
Where Lord Energor rides a horse that can still out run the wheel
High in the sky above, and clear out of sight
It's the free Zambian airforce flying tonight
Way up in Lusaka Chief Chisunka is cooling his heels
Remembering Energor gave us turds and balloons in the fields
But a criminal law that makes outlaws of those seeking light
Make the Free Zambian Airforce
Energor riding his white horse
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight
Flying so high aye aye ya ya ya heeee ha ha
How strange an innocent turd causes my lungs to burn
It sat in a bottle till the balloon top was nice and firm
Nothing can stop us, my vision is clearly in sight
And the free Zambian airforce is flying tonight
While we're huffing balloons federales are loading their guns
blowing smoke from their six shooters spilling our bottles for fun
jenkem gas bastards banditos of light
Make the free Zambian Airforce
Energor riding his white horse
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight
flying so high aye aye huh ack hack ack
The free Zambian Airforce is flying tonight!
Fuck you and may Energor bring you the peace that passes understanding,
Doctor
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thoughts From The Balloon
We last discussed the source of supply and the importance
food and facilities can have on your ability to produce some grade A butter,
now we will expand on that previous discourse and help you understand the role
of food in other aspects of brew mastering.
Currently our labs in Prescott are testing a little known
theorem that the great Einstein penned right before proving E=MC2. This theorem
holds that surface area plays a key role in both the speed and complexity of
the high.
The Green Apple Splatter clan say that the fine, milky
spray that accompanies a good bout of diarrhea provides the maximum surface
area ensuring an even disbursement of urine. This allows the jenkem to brew more evenly and faster. Much like a beaker is the best friend of a Meth Chef, the crucible of choice for GAS is the ships decanter.
On the other side of the toilet there are the Loggers, who stand firm that a well formed log provides a dense base material that has been well aged in the proper temperature found only in the deepest regions of the upper colon. This ensures a rich nutty aroma packed with minerals and serves up the choicest jenkem when aged only in the afternoon sun. They further claim that the pre liquefied source material used by the GSAs is actually diluted down and produces a heavy on vapor and bouquet but weak on buzz.
With this I have to head out to the cooking shed and sample some of each and report back to you later.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
A Reading From the Gospel of Energor, Book of Penises
Chapter 666
"And Energor spake, and he did command that those who huff fermented turd-gas shall achieve enlightenment. And only through huffing fermented turd-gas shall it even be possible to achieve enlightenment. As he looked upon his creation, he saw the nation of Japan, and in his disgust, said "You're doing it wrong. Turds are not for eating, but for collecting the gas that emanates from within." And with a wave of his magic staff, he bestowed a terrible economy and falling birth-rates upon the nation of Japan."
Amen.
Doctor, these Zambian children running through the Prescott wilderness is exciting news. I think that there should be an attempt to meet them - understand them - and soon, mate with their women to create an incredible new hybrid race of American-Zambians that can infuse the passion that they bring to their craft of riding atop the brown dragon, and add an American's ruthless business sense to the mix - we'll be millionaires. Or at least, really fucking high.
Urrrbody get fucked
Casey Fucking Ryback
"And Energor spake, and he did command that those who huff fermented turd-gas shall achieve enlightenment. And only through huffing fermented turd-gas shall it even be possible to achieve enlightenment. As he looked upon his creation, he saw the nation of Japan, and in his disgust, said "You're doing it wrong. Turds are not for eating, but for collecting the gas that emanates from within." And with a wave of his magic staff, he bestowed a terrible economy and falling birth-rates upon the nation of Japan."
Amen.
Doctor, these Zambian children running through the Prescott wilderness is exciting news. I think that there should be an attempt to meet them - understand them - and soon, mate with their women to create an incredible new hybrid race of American-Zambians that can infuse the passion that they bring to their craft of riding atop the brown dragon, and add an American's ruthless business sense to the mix - we'll be millionaires. Or at least, really fucking high.
Urrrbody get fucked
Casey Fucking Ryback
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Purple Assed Baboon!
In other news, I have had three cups of coffee already this morning, and have not produced any jenkem ingredients. I am now enjoying a three shot americano and some rumbling sensations are starting to occur, along with some gaseous out bursts that are frankly quite frightening in odor. I may be in for a wild ride atop the Energor step, very close to the summit of Mt Kohler. I had Huevos Rancheros for lunch yesterday, followed by baked ziti for dinner. I am hoping this combination produces something worthy of cellaring. I should do pretty well in the volume department anyway.
Energor Speed
Doctor
Monday, August 12, 2013
How could this happen right under my nose?
I have made a shocking discovery. There is definitely a connection between Prescott, AZ and Zambia, and the whole thing has been going on without my knowledge. As you know I have been harboring suspicions for a while, and on top of seeing evidence trail side, I even met one of the street children on thursday morning after my crash. As I am still not quite able to ride, I have not had a chance to follow up and make contact with the street child, but I have been able to read the newspaper. Imagine the size of the turd I let loose in my drawers when I saw this headline:
The article begins: Prescott resident David Berger is educating people in Zambia about hygiene and healthcare while living in a mud-brick hut with a grass thatch roof.
It is accompanied by this picture:
Courtesy photo
David Berger, from left, a Peace Corps volunteer in Zambia from Prescott; U.S. Ambassador to Zambia Mark C. Storella; and His Royal Highness Chief Chisunka inspect the modifications Berger made to the chief’s hut.
How the fuck could this happen without me knowing about it. I kid you not, I spent a half hour cleaning shit off of myself and the couch, of course bottling it for later. The crazy part is that this guy is a customer at the shop. Of course I was shocked to see this, but I was also a little hurt. He didn't even offer to bring me to Zambia. Maybe I wanted to hangout with Chief Chisunka, huffing jenkem with the ambassador, hitting all the cool sewage ponds. I felt a little betrayed. Then it occurred to me, he doesn't know that I am on jenkem. I assumed that everyone can tell I am always riding the brown dragon. I am always worried that I look like I am too high at the shop. Apparently I am keeping it together pretty well. He must think that I just have horrible breath all the time.
I believe that this David Berger character has something to do with the Zambian street children showing up in Prescott all of a sudden. I can't decide if it is a human trafficking ring or a jenkem smuggling operation. What is Ambassador Storella's role in all of this. One thing can be told for certain; judging from the photo Cheif Chisunka is a man capable of producing some fine jenkem ingredients.
More on this breaking story as it unfolds.
Doctor
| Prescott man calls mud hut home while on Peace Corps humanitarian mission in Africa | ||
The article begins: Prescott resident David Berger is educating people in Zambia about hygiene and healthcare while living in a mud-brick hut with a grass thatch roof.
It is accompanied by this picture:
Courtesy photoDavid Berger, from left, a Peace Corps volunteer in Zambia from Prescott; U.S. Ambassador to Zambia Mark C. Storella; and His Royal Highness Chief Chisunka inspect the modifications Berger made to the chief’s hut.
How the fuck could this happen without me knowing about it. I kid you not, I spent a half hour cleaning shit off of myself and the couch, of course bottling it for later. The crazy part is that this guy is a customer at the shop. Of course I was shocked to see this, but I was also a little hurt. He didn't even offer to bring me to Zambia. Maybe I wanted to hangout with Chief Chisunka, huffing jenkem with the ambassador, hitting all the cool sewage ponds. I felt a little betrayed. Then it occurred to me, he doesn't know that I am on jenkem. I assumed that everyone can tell I am always riding the brown dragon. I am always worried that I look like I am too high at the shop. Apparently I am keeping it together pretty well. He must think that I just have horrible breath all the time.
I believe that this David Berger character has something to do with the Zambian street children showing up in Prescott all of a sudden. I can't decide if it is a human trafficking ring or a jenkem smuggling operation. What is Ambassador Storella's role in all of this. One thing can be told for certain; judging from the photo Cheif Chisunka is a man capable of producing some fine jenkem ingredients.
More on this breaking story as it unfolds.
Doctor
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Upper Decker Here I Come!!!!!
The silver lining to my crash is all the spare time I have to translate scrolls and huff jenkem. In my enlightened state I have come to focus most of my energy on one thing: The Upper Decker. For those of us who only look at the pictures when reading:
this will result in this:
As you may know I have vowed to perform and upper decker before the year is out. I am very excited about this for obvious reasons, the most important one being that it is fucking hilarious. I am still up in the air as to location. This is a key decision. As I have mentioned previously, I would prefer to target an individual as opposed to a random public place, but this will be difficult. Someone you would like to upper deck isn't necessarily going to have you over for tea and crumpets. I will remain vigilant, an opportunity shall arise and I will be there to act. Hopefully I have my camera so as to provide excellent photographic evidence such as the pictures above. I do believe these photos to be from two separate upper deckings, which for some reason makes it even funnier. I doubt the victim views it this way, but the perpetrator actually has done them a favor, providing them with their own perpetual jenkem hotbox. One man's shit is another man's gold.
In other news, the illustrious C"rot"ch Ryback has been spotted at the new Roman style bath house in Jefferson City, MO. My sources confirm that he arrived in a limo with Criss Angel and a team from RedWheel Cycles, a local Jeff City Bike shop. They entered the bath house many days ago and have not been seen since, although several lotion delivery trucks have come and gone. No pun intended. I fear that our C"rot"ch is being mannippleated (again, no pun intended) by Criss Angel who likely found Crotch in the midst of a jenkem trance and took advantage of his inebriated state. If you live in the Missouri area and have some spare time, please swing by the bath house and tell Croatch that we are in desperate need of a duty report. It is only fair to warn who ever accepts this mission that you will be entering an environment of extreme danger and naked men. You might want to double up on the underpants.
Thanks and Get Totally Fucked (but not by Criss Angel)
Doctor
this will result in this:As you may know I have vowed to perform and upper decker before the year is out. I am very excited about this for obvious reasons, the most important one being that it is fucking hilarious. I am still up in the air as to location. This is a key decision. As I have mentioned previously, I would prefer to target an individual as opposed to a random public place, but this will be difficult. Someone you would like to upper deck isn't necessarily going to have you over for tea and crumpets. I will remain vigilant, an opportunity shall arise and I will be there to act. Hopefully I have my camera so as to provide excellent photographic evidence such as the pictures above. I do believe these photos to be from two separate upper deckings, which for some reason makes it even funnier. I doubt the victim views it this way, but the perpetrator actually has done them a favor, providing them with their own perpetual jenkem hotbox. One man's shit is another man's gold.
In other news, the illustrious C"rot"ch Ryback has been spotted at the new Roman style bath house in Jefferson City, MO. My sources confirm that he arrived in a limo with Criss Angel and a team from RedWheel Cycles, a local Jeff City Bike shop. They entered the bath house many days ago and have not been seen since, although several lotion delivery trucks have come and gone. No pun intended. I fear that our C"rot"ch is being mannippleated (again, no pun intended) by Criss Angel who likely found Crotch in the midst of a jenkem trance and took advantage of his inebriated state. If you live in the Missouri area and have some spare time, please swing by the bath house and tell Croatch that we are in desperate need of a duty report. It is only fair to warn who ever accepts this mission that you will be entering an environment of extreme danger and naked men. You might want to double up on the underpants.
Thanks and Get Totally Fucked (but not by Criss Angel)
Doctor
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