Greetings Jenkem World. Something amazing has come to my attention. Mrs Doctor and I were watching the movie IT, from a novel written by Stephen King. As we watched it dawned on me that the entire movie is about jenkem. I have seen this movie before, but it was a long time ago and I didn't make the connection. It all seems pretty obvious to me now. In the story the children in a small town have to battle some sort of demon that is killing other kids in town. This demon lives in the sewer mostly, but is embodied by Pennywise the clown, who haunts the children with hallucinations, almost always involving nice tight balloons. The kids climb into the sewer to battle the demon, apparently winning, until it returns in their adult years and they have to return to the sewer to battle it again. This movie is clearly about jenkem. This raises many questions. Was Stephen King under the influence of the brown dragon when he wrote the book? Did he get high on his own supply, or was he employing the grab and stuff method at the local sewer? Was he huffing jenkem with children?
These photos clearly prove my theory as does the expression on John Ritter's face. It makes me wonder if there is a dark side to the brown dragon that we have been protected from by our Lord Energor. Are we Jenkem Shamans, fighting spiritual battles as many tribal shamans do under the influence of psychedelics? I am going to go hit a very special balloon and find out. The jenkem I will be huffing was fermented in the ships decanter with turds formed from a steady diet of cheap hot dogs and miller high life. Hopefully I will win the spiritual battle with the forces of evil.
Dr Jenkem Shaman
There is something special about habanero peppers. They do amazing things to my guts. I felt the need to add habaneros and jalapenos to my beef for tacos last night, and let me tell you a tale. I have posted on this topic before, but after the experience I just had atop the mountain I feel the need to revisit it.
ReplyDeleteI awoke at five this morning and took a rare pre coffee dump, and nothing happened. It had decent volume and all, but was as if I hadn't eaten too many hot peppers the day before. I was surprised, and slightly concerned. I knew that they had gone into my gut, and I knew they had to come out, but where were they. I fucked around on the interwebs for a bit and then went back to bed. As I lay in bed, a strange grumbling began to occur. A familiar feeling, akin to a swift kick in the gut, but milder. The feeling moved throughout my intestinal tract, slowly tracing the entire length it seemed. I wanted to fart, but was afraid. I was concerned that if I did, I might shit the bed. I knew what was coming.
As some of you know, Mrs Doctor and I live in a two room cabin with a bathroom that seems to have been built as an afterthought. As I began my journey to the top of the mountain, I passed from the bedroom through the living room where Mrs Doctor was on Skype with her sister and nieces. I quietly made my way to the throne room and began disrobing, my gut churning all the while. I shed a single tear as I lowered my ass onto the Energor step, very near the summit of Mt Kohler, dreading the birth I was about to give. I was finally clear to fart, and fart I did, a long gaseous outburst. I was hoping that her family could not hear it over the computer. I had the door closed and all, but this sucker was long and loud. As soon as the first fart ended another began, as long and loud as the first one, followed by nothing. I thought that maybe I was going to get off light and that it really was just a fart, but my gut kept telling me otherwise. Then the real shit show began.
It started as mostly liquid, with the occasional solid burning chunk of volcanic shit searing out of my poor burning asshole. The next few minutes were some of the most difficult I have ever spent atop the mountain. It would stop just long enough for me to catch a foul breath, and then it would begin again, alternating rapidly between liquid and solid, and burning all the while. The rumbling in my gut finally ceased, and the faucet turned off. It was over, and I survived. I was fairly well drenched in sweat, but the burning sensation in my gut had completely gone. I feel that that was the end of it, my system had been purged. I am not totally out of the woods yet though, I will be eating leftover tacos for lunch in a few hours time.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of burning shit, I fear no evil, for Energor art with me.
Doctor Jenkem Jesus
That is quite the tale. I especially enjoyed the image of a sweaty Doctor atop the throne, much like a sweaty mother having just birthed out a record-setting 15 lb infant.
ReplyDeleteMy story today starts the moment I woke up. Having ingested Sriracha burgers courtesy of Mrs. C-Rot-ch, some brats courtesy of GW Meats here in town, and somewhere around 8-10 beers led to me waking up to what could only be described as an "effervescent" asshole. I woke to a continual stream of small yet forceful farts that I could not hold in. I tried to slightly relax my muscles so that they wouldn't wake up Mrs. C-Rot-ch, but when I realized that I couldn't effectively do that, I made the decision to dumb the fuel for the fly-over farts.
Entering into shitter stadium, i knew that the moment I dropped trou' that the fuji buried within me would squirt out like puss from a pimple. This was certainly the case, as that turd was greased up and ready to go, dousing me with the dreaded Spelling Splashback. Fortunately, it was on home turf, so it isn't as gross. I had to wait for a little while for all those brat and beer aftershock-turds to work their way out. Thankfully, cleanup was a breeze, and I was able to go and put on my new Jenkem shirt, pour some coffee, and relax. It wasn't an hour later when I was back in there, though, spraying out some more leftover fujis. I full-on Jackson-Pollock'd the inside of Mt. Kohler.
Energor be with you, and in Jenkem Jesus we trust.
CFR
Great to hear about your Mt Kohler modern art poject C"rot"ch, too bad about the spelling splash back though. At least it wasn't a toilet at the airport. I have got another tale for you.
ReplyDeleteEvery year the owner of the shop has us drive sag support for his transportation organizations annual road race. It is a great ride at 54 miles 4,800 feet of climbing. There are always quite a few freds and people who just got off the couch and dusted the bike off thinking that they would actually be able to do the ride. I knew it was going to be a great day when a guy in a time trial helmet complete with visor/windsheild/sunglasses built in walked up to me at the start line because he has torn the tip of the presta valve off of his front wheel while getting his specialized shiv out of the car. I got him rolling only for him to be the first person we picked up and gave a ride back to town. The entire ride back he was coming up with great excuses such as "I forgot my garmin" which is amazing. I thought they just kept track of mileage and what not, I didn't realized they actually rode the bike for you. When we dropped him off I noticed the ironman logo tattooed on his calf. What a fucking idiot. As is typical, we managed to drink a few beers and chinamen during the 6 hours we did support for a sub three hour ride. We also went for beers after, and by the time Mrs Doctor got me home I was hobo drunk. I dosed off/passed out for a few minutes and then made myself a breakfast burrito. Right as I was taking the last bite the overpowering stench of skunk drifted through the window. Not just skunk walking by stench, skunk spraying taco stentch. So now I, as drunk as skunk, had to deal with my dog who had been sprayed by a skunk. As you can imagine, this is not a pleasant task for me or the dog. Two days later and she is starting to smell a little better, but not much. I keep smelling skunk at work, everywhere I go. It is mostly in my head I think. I'll tell you this, those little bastards are well armed.
After I gave the dog a bath, I took a shit.
Doctor
Doctor - I too had a similar choad-burger roll up to my mechanical-support tent a week ago, as I had been told to go work the MS-150. This guy rolled up with a similar set-up, full TT helmet with fucking visor and everything. I was at the start/finish area, and I don't recall exactly what he asked, I just remember thinking that it was a fucking stupid question for someone who has such an expensive bike. I didn't seem him again that weekend, which is fortunate, because I was pretty bitter about having to work that event. I was able to take shits atop many new mountaintops, and experiences much sub-par toilet paper. I especially hate that massive econo-roll that isn't even perforated when at public restrooms. No texture to it, so it basically just smears all my jenkem fuel all around the b-hole.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, I have almost no time for my morning constitutional before heading out the door to go to my chiropractor appt. I'll just have to hope and pray that he doesn't squeeze a turd out of me.
Energorspeed,
CFR
I wouldn't be surprised if he asked if his fancy helmet was pointing the right direction. The only thing worse than a triathlete is a poser triathlete. Unless Criss Angel got into ironman, sucked at it, and got an ironman tattoo, and rode around in the sag truck in a visor talking about his personal best sag truck ride. I set a new KOM record on strava, I left my garmin running in the truck.
ReplyDeleteDressed like Darth Vader impregnated by Cipolini
Time trial bike at race with significant climbing
Forgot my garmin, can't finish the ride.
Interesting thought just hit me. KOM for MT Kohlermanjaro. Many possibilities here...
ReplyDeleteI am proud to say that I have joined the marijuana debate in our local paper under the name johnny jenkem. Not only that, I am even more proud to say that my comment is entirely about jenkem, and very descriptive, even going so far as to mention waves of euphoria and times past. To check it out go here: http://dcourier.com/main.asp?SectionID=36&SubSectionID=1119&ArticleID=123345&TM=69735.13. Thank you and get totally fucking mini van'd brah
ReplyDeleteCitizen Doctor
Doctor, I am grateful for your continued fight to legitimize our craft through mass media. You truly are a pioneer in sewage fermentation. Not to mention your poetic play on words, coining the term Mt. Kohlermanjaro. Fucking brilliant.
ReplyDeleteI am simply stewing here, letting my second morning turd develop a nice, full head of brown steam before letting it loose and birthing unto the world. Yesterday, I believe that you all would have been truly proud of the log that I sent into the bowl while at work. As I stood up and turned around to gaze upon what I had created, I marveled at the fact that I had essentially pushed out what appeared to me, at the time, to be about the size of a 12" long can of spray paint. This thing coiled around the bowl, kind of resembling a frown, as if it were trying to communicate to me that it was sad to have left my colon. I can tell you that I was not sad it had left my colon, in fact I was euphoric. Euphoric to not have that pressure built up inside anymore, and euphoric at the stinky aromatherapy that I was treating myself with.
I recently read an article outlining the reported meth incidents this year throughout Missouri, and the results were pretty terrible. (Who says the inner city is the only place for hard drugs?) But what I would like to see is a report on the reported incidents of jenkem usage in our state. My assumption is that it would be pretty well localized at my house, a few local parks where I mountain bike, my work, and at the warehouse where I have my production facility. Fortunately, the news media hasn't found them yet, so I can continue my work unimpeded.
Here is that article, by the way: http://news.stlpublicradio.org/post/mapped-how-many-meth-incidents-has-your-missouri-county-reported-year?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=FBStLouisPublicRadio1616
Crotch, I am so glad to hear of your most recent birth. May it's vapors be ever potent and slightly tangy.And thus sayeth the Lord, our Energor. It sounds like a pretty impressive turd. I am often amazed that I am able to waddle around with something like that in my gut. Maybe we can have a turd shower for it in OCT.
ReplyDeleteDoctor