Thursday, October 31, 2013
Jenkem Industries PLC Inks Endorsement Deal
Our Zambian cousins recently signed a washed up athlete to a lucrative endorsement contract. Seems this lad didn't mind doping in his day and will now be an official tester for Jenkem Industries PLC. His first assignment was at Council Bluff where he was responsible for stuffing his head down the hole of this fine facility and taking a few big huffs to test the quality of our staff's product.
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Jenkem doping. Fantastic. I find that huffing fermented shit before each ride is almost like shooting EPO into your balls through the testosterone patch on your taint. It makes you so much faster, and gives you the sexual prowess of a coked up japanese businessman, and by that I mean the ability to shit and vomit at the same time, and on command. I just read on cycling news that Lance was huge in Japan.
ReplyDeleteAny American is "huge" in Japan.
ReplyDeleteI am at this very moment, 9:33 mountain time november fourteenth in the two thousand and thirteenth year of our lord Energor, harnessing up to climb to the Energor step and unleash the fury of 2x hot Butter Chicken from Taj Mahal. May Energor have mercy on my asshole.
ReplyDeleteDoctor Wesley McLaren, MD, Phd, Gtmvd.
Proud to report that Energor saw fit to bless me with a beautiful specimen for the jenkem cellar, and minimal anal burning during my delivery. Praise Energor. I would also like to note that this morning's purging of two post ride burgers and some pizza from last night also went well, producing incredible volume. Two distinct logs and a group of baby snakes all held together by a shapeless mass in the center. It was like latte art, but with shit. I am also proud to report that I am almost totally recovered from my exploits at burning except for the fact that I can't stop "whirly birding" people. Take the forest service workers I whirly birded yesterday. They were trimming one of the trails we rode. Everything went fine as we passed them and I recognized one of them from having purchased chinese scriptures from him. When we finished the ride the forest service truck was still at the trail head, but no workers. Perfect time to change out of my riding clothes. Right as I pulled out my "unit" I heard a sound in the bushes behind me. Nude, I swiveled to see what caused the noise, and in the process whirly birded the fuck out of the forest service workers who had caused the noise on the way back to their truck. Aside from the dude who helped me learn chinese awhile back, the rest were middle aged women who seemed to want me to keep the whirly bird twirling.
ReplyDeleteEnergor bless thee this holiday season,
and get totally fucked.
Doctor W. Bird
I awoke this morning and had an emergency delivery of a ten pound brown baby boy. Go Whirly bird yourself.
ReplyDeleteDoctor
As I sit here whirly-birding myself, I can't help but notice that it stinks in here. I mean it smells pretty damn bad.
ReplyDeleteTaco night is upon me. Many hot peppers are about to be consumed. May Energor have mercy on my ass in teh morning. Full report to follow.
ReplyDeleteDoctor