Ouch! Oh well, I guess I'll just sit around and huff jenkem all day!!!!!!

As you can see from this photo, not only am I a hairy samsquantch monster, I am also a little beat up. I had a little bit of a crash on my way to work yesterday. I know what you're thinking. High on the brown dragon, and you would be correct. The barnyard jenkem I mentioned yesterday turned out to be a little more potent than I thought. My ride to work consists largely of a downhill trail frequented by dirt bikes. It is very rocky and the dirt bikes tend to move the rocks around, so it is a little different every time I go down it. I managed to get bounced off of my line by a rather large rock that the jenkem goggles kept from my vision. I then lost control and was bouncing from rock to rock trying to get it back until the bike went sideways and catapulted me down the trail. Ouch! Note the swelling around my left kidney. Needless to say, the crash killed my buzz.

I got up and began looking for javelina or squirrel turds to get my buzz going again when I made a shocking discovery. Crouched behind a bush was a little Zambian boy who had witnessed the whole thing. Once he realized I had spotted him slowly stood up and extended his arm towards me. Lo and behold, in his hand was a gatorade bottle with a balloon on it. Praise Energor.

As you may already know, I have recently seen several signs of a possible Zambian presence here in the Prescott National Forest. Balloons on the side of the trail, Foul smelling bottles containing a brown liquid. There was also an incident downtown where someone broke into an art gallery, took a hundred dollars, and shit on the floor. Clearly the work of Zambian street children if you ask me.

As I moved toward the boy, he extended the bottle to me and made a deep breathing gesture. I took the bottle, removed the balloon and breathed the gasses in deep. Immediately the pain subsided, my eyes went glassy, and a wave of euphoria washed over me. Dead relatives voices swirled in my mind. The jenkem had a pungent, gassy flavor, with hints of pine cone and coyote. As I settled into my high, I thanked the child and handed the bottle back to him. He nodded, and then disappeared back into the woods.

Their encampment must be very near the trail I take to work. Once I am able to ride again, hopefully in a day or two, I will find their lair and repay the boy with a special blend I have had in my cellar for over a year. I know he is not alone out there in the woods. There are certainly more Zambian street children out there with him. Once I find them I will try to find out how they got here, as well as help them improve their jenkem techniques. As for today, I am off work and will be huffing the lung butter for the rest of the day. Maybe in my enlightened state the great Energor will reveal another song to me, or provide me with some other insight into mysteries of life and jenkem. Until then, if you would please remove your pants, and mini van yourself very thoroughly.
Doctor

Jenkem from J To M

My word the activity has been fierce in the comments, not quite as fierce as the action in AZ, but with such activity we felt it was time to enhance the education levels of our astute readers. We will begin our series of lectures on jenkem from j to m as we bring you up to speed on the latest in harvesting, brewmaster skills, correct huffing techniques and a dissertation on the interpretation of your hallucinations.
A key element in producing various strains of jenkem begins with the very source of your supply. This is akin to growing a crop of ditch weed or a crop of wicked hydro. The Zambian youth of Lusaka, due to the limited food supply/choices, opt for the ditch weed brew by scouring the open sewers of the city.

While some of finest jenkem from the midwest is rumored to come from the pristine facilities of the deep Ozarks where the cuisine can range from Dos Primos to the infamous Jerkward Braquito.

At this point it's time for you readers to take a great big huff and think about the concepts we are being to explore. Crafting a batch of jenkem is not just as simple as stuffing a bunch of shit in a bottle, pissing you PBR into it and letting it cook like a batch of sun tea. No in our next discussion we will expand on the subject matter of solid waste selection and delve into the world of seasoning your brew.

The Ultimate Endorsement

Need I say moar....

Opportunity To Make A Difference

Reach deep into your pockets, fogo that cold beer tonight and find the heart to save a young Zambian child from the ravages of Jenkem.

Send your donations to:

Save the Zambians
P.O. Box 750ml
Criss Angel Lane
Lung Butter, Texas 60843

Jenkem 101 - A Beginners Guide To The Brown Lung Butter

Welcome oh great huffers of the brown lung butter. Yes you now have the opportunity to share in the knowledge of perhaps the most creative minds east of Zambia. We would like to provide some insight into the history of jenkem.

At the Lusaka sewage ponds, two teenage boys plunge their hands into the dark brown sludge, gathering up fistfuls and stuffing it into small plastic bottles. They tap the bottles on the ground, taking care to leave enough room for methane to form at the top. A sour smell rises in the hot sun, but the boys seem oblivious to the stench and the foul nature of their task.

They are manufacturing "Jenkem", a disgusting, noxious mixture made from fermented sewage. It is cheap, potent and very popular among the thousands of street-children in Lusaka. When they cannot afford glue or are too scared to steal petrol, these youngsters turn to Jenkem as a way of getting high.
"It lasts about an hour", says one user, 16-year-old Luke Mpande, who prefers Jenkem to other substances.
"With glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and I forget about the problems in my life."
Symptom of poverty
Sniffing sewage is a symptom of the desperate plight of Zambia's street-children. There are thought to be some 75,000 in the country as a whole - a number that has doubled in the past eight years.

With the Aids epidemic affecting an estimated one in four adults in urban areas, and the government's harsh privatisation policies throwing thousands out of work, it is the children who have suffered the most.
Sikwanda Makono is an education specialist at the Ministry of Health. "Now that the economy is going down, we see more and more of our younger boys going into the streets.
"And girls too. If you drive around at night, you see very young girls looking for men, to merely get something to survive."
Abandoned

The children can also no longer rely on the extended family, once the backbone of African life. This traditional safety net is now on the verge of collapse.
Children are sent out onto the streets to earn a living, or treated cruelly by relatives already struggling to support their own families, or simply abandoned by parents, who cannot afford to feed and clothe them.
Victor Chinyama of the United Nations Children's Fund in Lusaka says it is imperative that the Zambian government gets to grips with this problem.
"So far, one doesn't get the feeling that this has been recognised as priority, or as a problem that needs to be nipped in the bud," he says.
"This problem is on the rise and the sooner it is dealt with, the better."
Temporary respite
Substance-abuse offers a temporary respite in an otherwise harsh world.
Nobody knows exactly where the idea for making Jenkem came from, but it has been used by street-children in Lusaka for at least two years. Nason Banda of the Drug Enforcement Agency is not proud when he says that it is unique to Zambia. He shudders when he sees the boys at the sewage ponds, scavenging for faecal matter to make Jenkem.
"It's unimaginable" he says. "It hits right at the heart to see a human being coming down a level, to be able to dip his hand into a sewage pond, picking out the material and not caring about anything but the feeling of getting high."